Releasing Judgement - I Am Perfectly Imperfect
Be Brave, put your best face forward // that’s what the first picture represents, a curated version of self. My best face forward the part of me that doesn’t reflect insecurity and imperfection.
Swipe to the right and notice me putting the same face forward and while I am happy and still that same light the feelings I have when I see my profile bring up insecurity and discomfort; but today I am done! I am not holding onto it anymore, I can’t. I love myself and I need to honor that I am not perfect, that I have been through trauma and I am lucky to no longer live with chronic pain.
12 years ago today I had my jaw broken and rubber-banded shut for 8 weeks. It was my third surgery in a period of 8 years to release pain and tension from my jaw. The doctors advised that if I didn’t have this surgery I would be in for surgery likely every 4 years years to clean out scar tissue that was forming due to misalignment and pain. My parents and I trusted the doctors and believed it to be true and went ahead with the procedure. I want to say I don’t have regrets because I know everyone was looking out for my best interest, and I am not in pain like I once was. But there are times when I question what could have been. I was prescribed pain killers throughout this entire period of my life, being consciously sober now I understand that I was numb I likely couldn’t hear myself and my intuition couldn’t assist me in knowing what I needed, at the time quite honestly I knew I liked having access to pills. It’s safe to say I was numb, I was given attention for reasons not based on love but ego. Looking back I send that girl so much love because she was a shadow of the woman I am now.
After this final surgery I was left with numbness in my lower lip which has gotten better over the years, my gums were sliced open leaving them recessed and needing grafting, and my profile was changed leaving me with what feels like a permanent double chin at certain angels. In a culture that is obsessed with perfection, symmetry and looks it’s something I have struggled with inwardly. I have talked to my mom about it as well as my acupuncturist but outside of that I keep it to myself.
About two weeks ago I went to the dentist which I shared about my experience in a post. The dentist took x-rays see photos 4/5 and I was brought right back to where I was 12 years ago. I felt numb, I felt scared and like I didn’t have a voice. I was reliving exactly what I had been through as if I was being spun through an energetic vortex. Only this time I am sober, I am connected to my intuition and I know how to use my voice. I was able to share my experience with my doctor and together formulate a plan to take care of my gums.🏼While I am so thankful to have my teeth and my health I also have resentment as to my profile. In getting these photos back from a recent photo shoot though I decided to stop! To stop judging myself! To stop being so hard on that piece of me that I saw as imperfection because this imperfection is so much of my story and has helped form who I am. So today I am releasing it. I have so much to be thankful for and I will no longer worry about what someone thinks when seeing me from certain angels because the truth is, no one cares. They only care as much as I do, and from now on I no longer care! I love all of me, imperfections and all.
My point in sharing this or two fold. Number one to give this up to god, to take my power back from the situation and two to remind you that no one is perfect and we all have our stories. We don’t know everyone’s pain and what they are carrying around, so be kinder to yourself and in turn be kinder to others. I love you.
xo,
Lauren Courtney ️